A Protestant Bull

A Critique of Our Out-of-Home-Care Culture

Intro

I was speaking with a friend of mine this morning, and as we chatted, we broached the subject of family care. In America, families often employ certain services to care for their children so that the parents can both pursue their careers. But that observation becomes much more interesting when we consider that it is also common for those same children to later send their elderly parents into assisted living. I think our culture, both secular and Christian, has come to accept these realities as mere facts of life, but I want to push back by arguing that when God created a system to care for individuals of communities, He made families, not the social security office. If moms, dads and children are always looking to someone else to care for their family members, what is the point of a family anyway?

A Caveat

Now before presenting the argument, allow me to admit that certainly, there are various situations in which parents simply have to employ out-of-home child-care services and when adult children have to call on assisted living facilities to aid with aging parents. Sometimes, families do not have the luxury of moving from expensive areas and so actually need two incomes in order to make it. And sometimes, bringing mom and dad into the home for full time care can legitimately threaten the health and stability of your own family and so you need other help. I cannot name all the scenarios for when this is appropriate, nor do I think it wise to make a bullet-pointed list for such. Each family is going to have to make those calls on their own before the Lord. But neither is that my purpose here. My intent is to push back against our culture which has come to believe that it is their singular duty to assist their families in survival, instead of believing that it is their duty and joy to assist them to truly live. Therefore, my thesis is that our culture and especially our Christian families and churches ought to foster a relational framework which is determined, as much as possible, to care for our own families with duty and love by the help of God.

Why Are We This Way?

At the bottom of our current, cultural situation lies a framework which believes certain things about self, family, love, and duty which result in life-choices. Here are some ideas suggesting why we treat our children and parents as we do.

1. Our culture has renamed selfishness with more palatable titles — “self-love,” “me-time,” “climbing the career ladder,” “loving the empty nest,” “it’s my turn now to live my dream,” “what I would like to do is…,” etc. And self-love et al are the fundamental principles of our society (so we are taught), which means that every other duty should take second-place to my duty to me.
   
2. Speaking of duty, our American culture has largely downplayed (if not done away with) the concepts of honor and duty. Children feel no obligation to treat or speak to their elders any differently than they would a peer, nor do adults expect anything more from them. Children, parents and spouses are often so focused on themselves that any duty which requires a sacrifice of their personal pleasure quickly gets sidelined or edited to something less demanding. This absence of honor and duty is wrong and poisoning to our culture.
   
3. Our culture has glorified the empty-nest and self-centered retirement which cannot help but compete with the joys of having children in and around our homes.
   
4. In our culture, it is the norm to obsess over the grandchildren and to tolerate our adult kids.
   
5. Often, our perceived “needs” as to why we hire a daycare or a nursing home are actually “preferences.” For example, does a couple actually need two incomes? Or do they want two incomes just to sustain a particular lifestyle?
   
6. We have confused ideas and feelings as to what brings us the most joy and meaning in life. Just think — what would be the long term benefits for your family legacy and happiness if mom got to stay home with the kids and dad was intentional about pouring into them whenever he could? What message would you be sending to your children, relatives and neighbors as you decide to build mom an in-law suit on the property or bring her into the guest room long term? We are taught that the heavier income and nicer vacations will bring more happiness, but will they really?
   
7. Peer pressure can eclipse the sense of loyalty and love we might have (or at least sense that we ought to have) toward our families. Adult kids who are close with their parents and siblings are perceived as “grasping the apron strings” by their peers. Moms who want to stay home with their kids can feel embarrassed for leaving their higher education or careers behind. Dads who show affection to their kids are in danger of losing their manliness. Thus, what others think of us is often the determining factor for how we feel about and treat our families.

These thoughts can be summarized thus. Currently, the idea of family is permeated by “self” instead of “others.” If couples get married merely to satisfy their sexual instincts or merely to meet their desire for companionship; if they have kids only to give themselves pleasure and if they work only to earn a pay check or climb the ladder; this is how a society learns to send their children to daycare and to divorce once the feelings leave and to put their parents in a home when they cannot drive anymore. A society that lives like this is neither a happy society, nor a good society. A church that lives like this is even worse because it ought to know and to live better since God has given them a book with instructions on how to do so.

What Does the Bible Say?

So how does a society change? Honestly, I do not have much hope that ours will, but if anything happens, it must start by individuals — singles, dads, moms, and children — subjecting themselves to God’s purposes for the individual, family and society. Thus, to begin, here are some passages for evaluating our current cultural framework and helping to point the way to how we ought to live.

1. “Honor thy father and thy mother…” (Ex 20:12). Please note that this is not the mere appeal of a man, but the infallible word of God. This is what He demands and therefore this is what we call a duty. Further, note, “to honor” is not merely the absence of dishonor. That would be better called “indifference” than “honor.” Instead, “to honor” is a positive act shown to our parents, giving deference and love to them because of who God has made them to be in our lives. This call to honor must inform all a child does and says to his parents no matter their age. And if anyone thinks that because this quote is from the Old Testament it holds less weight, Paul disagrees with you (Eph 6:1).
   
2. “Nevertheless, [to avoid] fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except [it be] with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.…” (1 Cor 7:2–5). This passage is not speaking directly to the issue of children or parents, but it is helpful for our conversation in that it lays out that marriage demands duty. “Defraud ye not” means, “do not steal” or “do not deprive” which is the negative way of saying, “You owe something to your husband or to your wife” a concept which is now almost totally absent from our marriages.
   
3. “Charity suffereth long, [and] is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Cor 13:4–7). Love is expressed in act, just look at all the words used here. If we claim to love someone and yet put ourselves first, seek our own, and endure only for a season, we are not loving them, we are lying.
   
4. “…for the children ought not to lay up for their parents but the parents for the children” (2 Cor 12:14). Paul is using the “oughts” of nature to illustrate a theological point to the Corinthians, which illustration implies that not only is his theological point correct, but so is his illustration. Now, to make the point clear, Paul is not saying, “Thou shalt not send thy child to daycare.” But the point here is to demonstrate that the relational connection between parent and child is filled with duty — an obligation of love, care and provision that is implicit in God’s design. So not only do children have a duty to their parents (Ex 20:12), but parents have a duty toward their children.
   
5. “[Let] nothing [be done] through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others” (Phil 2:3–4). Grammatically, “look not every man on his own things…” is an imperative, which means to ignore it does make us pragmatic but disobedient. Imagine how our families and societies, both present and future would look if they were governed by this passage. What if moms and dads actually sought what was best for the family and the glory of God more than seeking the the easiest solution?
   
6. “But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth” (1 Tim 5:6). This verse fires a direct shot at anyone who has pleasure as their main motive in life. The Holy Spirit of God says that if all one wants in life is pleasure, his or her life is so useless he might as well be dead. So do not let temporal happiness be your main objective in any area of life.
   
7. “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (1 Tim 5:8). These are strong words, infused with a shame that meant to drive families to fulfill the duty of love we owe to each other.
   
8. “Hereby perceive we the love [of God], because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down [our] lives for the brethren” (1 Jn 3:16). Our English translation “ought” is good, but it does not convey the full sense of the word. It is the Greek word opheilo (ὀφείλω) which holds a sense of obligation. “I owe” is the word. So what God is calling us to is the obligation, the debt we owe to the brethren of laying down our lives since He did so for us. Although John is specifically speaking of what life looks like in the church, rest assured that what your obligation is to your spiritual brethren, it is certainly also your debt to your physical brethren.

There is a theme that runs through these passages which speak to two essential virtues which Christians are commanded to exercise: duty and love. And in order for duty and love to dominate our relationships, “self” must die and the good of others must rise higher. I am persuaded that a family and society that lives like this is not only a good society which lives as God designed it, but a happy society.

Some Suggestions

So here are a few practical suggestions that we might implement in order to nurture our families into the path of loyalty and love.

1. Glorify God. “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor 10:31). This must be the ultimate determining factor on any choice you make for your family.
2. Pray. If any of this hits home, do not lean on your own expertise or feelings on how to proceed. Read the Scriptures and ask God for wisdom and the strength to do the next right thing.
3. Choose. You can choose right now that love and loyalty under the Lordship of Christ will be the guiding factors of your relationships.
4. Be Practical. Pastors, the Bible is eminently practical for instruction on relational life, and your congregations of singles, young couples and seasoned families need to know God’s will for the family. Do not settle for letting your congregation grow brains while leaving their hearts, hands, feet and plans behind.
5. Plan. If you want to have a close family which looks out for and honors each other through the generations, you must plan for it. Talk about it with your spouse. Wrestle with whether financial changes need to happen. Ask if a family trajectory-change needs to take place. Talk about these things with your children and teach them to catch God’s purpose for the family.
6. Be Humble and Prepared. In many cases, it is not just those who give care that have hard choices to make, but those who are cared for. To elderly parents, you should let your kids help you. Be humble and prepared to work with them to make it as easy as possible to let them love you in this way. For example, if you live in separate states and you are in need of greater care, one of you is likely going to have to move. Now, some kids are looking for a change of scenery, and would be very willing to drop everything to come and care for you. But remember, they too have roots, friends, churches, jobs, etc. You might consider being prepared to move to them since love, loyalty and selflessness should run two ways.
7. Talk. Consider and evaluate how you talk about your family to others. Do you take jabs at your in-laws to your friends or from the pulpit? Do you talk up your spouse and your children to your co-workers? When someone bemoans the coming holiday get-together, how do you counter their comments? Do your friends know that you love having a close family? There should be no stigma around familial love.
8. Be Honest. If you feel like your family has no other option but to hire out-of-home childcare or to put dad in a home, you may legitimately have to do so. I am not, nor can I deny that. However, as you are weighing that option, honestly ask and answer the questions of motive: Is this move a “need” or a “want”? What will we give up if we do so? What was your mother willing to go through for you? What legacy do I want to leave for your children who are watching you in this move? How can you best represent Christ in this?
9. Seek Old Wisdom. As you are seeking council on what to do, do not just ask your peers or an AI bot on what to do. Look for godly, trial-tested couples who have been married a long time and have raised children. They’ll be the best help in telling you how your future self would council you.
10. Eternity. Live your life in light of the next ten-thousand years for which you will be alive. This will help keep you from regrets and help guide you toward living happy and Christ-glorifying lives in your relationships.

Conclusion

To conclude, I believe our culture has missed it. Our young people cannot wait to get away from our parents, and our parents cannot wait to get away from their kids. This is a disaster. In summary, we are all much too selfish and no wonder we look to teachers and nurses to raise and bury our kith and kin. We have created a family culture which is driven by the singular duty of “assisted survival” and we are reaping the fruits of it. Instead, I believe the Word of God lays something else on us, duty and love, a debt that God has set upon each one of us to pay to our families and societies. If we pay this debt, it will certainly change everything about why and how we marry, raise children, retire, care for parents and pass on to glory.

Bibliography

A. Thomasian, “Caring for the Aged,” preached 9-13-2020. Not someone I recommend, but the sermon landed.

Here is a link to a former article you may be interested in: